A Bundle of Joy Isn’t Enough?

[Woodmonkey]

A Bundle of Joy Isn’t Enough?

WHEN Jena Slosberg of Bedford, N.H., gave birth in March, she endured a labor that lasted 17 hours. But her discomfort was ultimately worth it, quite apart from the arrival of her daughter, Marin. In the recovery room, her husband, Paul, presented her with a pair of diamond earrings.

“I was on cloud nine,” Ms. Slosberg said. “It was the perfect present to make a frazzled, sleep-deprived, first-time mommy feel absolutely glamorous.”

She added, “I wonder what 17 hours of labor will get me next time?”

In a more innocent age, new mothers generally considered their babies to be the greatest gift imaginable. Today, they are likely to want some sort of tangible bonus as well.

This bonus goes by various names. Some call it the “baby mama gift.” Others refer to it as the “baby bauble.” But it’s most popularly known as the “push present.”

That’s “push” as in, “I the mother, having been through the wringer and pushed out this blessed event, hereby claim my reward.” Or “push” as in, “I’ve delivered something special and now I’m pushing you, my husband/boyfriend, to follow suit.”

“It’s more and more an expectation of moms these days that they deserve something for bearing the burden for nine months, getting sick, ruining their body,” said Linda Murray, executive editor of BabyCenter.com. “The guilt really gets piled on.”

A recent survey of more than 30,000 respondents by BabyCenter.com found that 38 percent of new mothers received a gift from their mate in connection with their child. Among pregnant mothers, 55 percent wanted one. About 40 percent of both groups said the baby was ample reward.

Sandra Miller of Arlington, Mass., is not among the 40 percent.

“Women can and do expect a thoughtful token of appreciation,” she said. “It’s a way to honor a mother giving her emotions, body and hormones over to a baby for nine months, culminating in an experience which, when done naturally, redefines the meaning of pain. And when not done naturally, it’s still an act of sacrifice.”

Push presents seem to have taken off within the last decade, particularly in the last couple of years. In 2005 the Southeast-based jewelry chain Mayors marketed diamond earrings with the tag line, “She delivered your first born; now give her twins.” Fortunoff, the jewelry and gift chain with a Fifth Avenue flagship, established a push present registry six months ago.

But the push present — unlike the 15-year anniversary ring — is apparently not the invention of the jewelry industry looking for another opportunity to sell goods. No one is quite sure how the trend began; in practice the baubles are presented before or after the big day, or sometimes right in the delivery room.

“They’ve arisen from the time cavemen brought trinkets to their wives,” said Jim Brusilovsky of Chains-and-charms.com, a Philadelphia-based jewelry chain. “I haven’t seen it coming from the industry.”

Michael Toback, a jewelry supplier in Manhattan’s diamond district, traces the practice to a new posture of assertiveness by women. “You know, ‘Honey, you wanted this child as much as I did. So I want this,’” he said.

A more likely explanation is that men are now simply more aware of and sympathetic to the plight of their pregnant partners, given their increasing tendency to attend childbirth classes and help in the actual delivery. “I think husbands are more involved with the prenatal process,” said Dr. Philippe Girerd, an obstetrician in Richmond, Va. “Women go through back pain, morning sickness, stress and so on. We just sit around and take the credit. I think a lot of 21st century husbands are a little more in touch with that.”

Certainly Dr. Girerd is. When his wife, Chris Cavan, gave birth to their son and daughter, he gave her a ring and a watch.

“I could care less about the jewelry industry,” Dr. Girerd said. “For me, it was acknowledging everything my wife had been through.”

The popularity of push presents has generated a backlash among some couples, who decry the implicit materialism.

“This isn’t the time to give a $200 piece of jewelry,” said Rhonda Grote, president of ThinkThougthful.com, an online gift consulting company in Bradenton, Fla. “I do not think that because a woman has had a baby she requires a Tiffany & Company item. She requires help, love and emotional support.”

Ms. Grote suggested that new fathers should instead consider performing domestic chores, hiring a cleaning service, or otherwise provide extra assistance for the new mother.

Ray Mears of Grand Haven, Mich., didn’t give his wife, Beth, gifts for any of their three children, the most recent of them in July. And that’s fine with both of them. “It’s a really bizarre and unnecessary thing for a woman to expect,” Ms. Mears said. “For one thing, lots of people are giving gifts to the mom, baby and entire family. Also, there’s a lot going on when a new baby is expected. It’s just not a nice time for a woman to demand that her partner get creative and think of ‘the perfect gift.’”

MICHELLE ALLEN of Los Angeles originally heard about push presents from a friend who had received one. When she became pregnant, she began dropping hints. “I knew what I wanted, which is very awful,” she admitted. “But my husband is a very romantic guy.”

True to his romantic nature, Eric Allen obliged his wife with a gemstone-studded ring for each of their two children — Lara, born in July 2004, and Dashiell, in October 2006.

“I wear those rings every day,” Ms. Allen said. “They symbolize my kids. There’s something about them that’s even more weighty than my wedding band.”

Although jewelry is the most common push present, virtually anything heartfelt will suffice. Will Murphy of Haverhill, Mass., gave his wife, Grace, a Louis Vuitton diaper bag to mark the August arrival of their son, Liam. David Samson of San Francisco gave his wife, Renée, a metal sculpture in May to celebrate the birth of their daughter, Elisheva. He even installed some new lighting to complement it.

When Tom and Dana Wiley of Dunlap, Ill., had their third child, a daughter named McKenna, in September, Mr. Wiley bought the family a hot tub.

“It was a cumulative gift,” Ms. Wiley said. “With three, we have become homebodies anyway so now we can enjoy it.”

In general, women enlighten their men about push presents, not the other way around. Chris Beggini, a 43-year-old mutual fund manager in Radnor, Pa., didn’t know about the practice until his wife, Jennifer, straightened him out. “We talked about how she had nine months of difficulty, and ‘Aren’t I the good soldier?’ blah blah blah,” he recalled.

So when the Begginis begat Abigail in 1999, Ellie in 2002, and Julia last year, Mr. Beggini responded with earrings, a bracelet and what he jokingly calls a “suffer ring.”

“You have to keep mama happy,” he said.

The Source

[leobold1]

Does this also apply when a couple adopts?

What if there isn't a father? Does it become the coach's job to buy a little (the last time I thought of diamonds as "little" I was comparing it to the size of a car) trinket?

Would this be an extention of the baby shower?

[Woodmonkey]

Good questions, Jeff.

I got presents because my husband liked giving them, but no diamonds. I don't feel cheated though.