Sharon Wakes From Coma – Declares He Is a Changed Man
By Tzvi Fishman
)Purim Satire( On the most electrifying day in Israel since Ben-Gurion declared Independence, news is spreading across the country that Prime Minister Ariel Sharon awoke during the night.
The Prime Minister was healthy, talking, and completely aware this morning. Israeli media have been covering the miraculous event with an attitude of what can only be described as jubilance - Israel's hero has come back to life. Even Sharon's most vociferous enemies have been silenced by the enormity of the event.
By midday, Sharon's situation had changed. News reports were less exuberant. Visitors were filmed leaving Sharon's hospital room looking worried and subdued. A rumor was spreading that the first thing that Sharon had asked for was a kippah [yarmulke]. By late afternoon, a photograph was leaked to the press showing Sharon, adorned in tefillin [phylacteries] and a prayer shawl, praying by the hospital room window. Surrounding him were right-wing Knesset candidate Baruch Marzel and Knesset members from the religious parties Shas, Agudah, and the National Union/NRP.
A thinner, tearful Sharon addressed the people of Israel at a press
conference this evening. With his head lowered, and in a soft, almost
embarrassed voice, he began by saying, 'Baruch Hashem, Thank G-d. In the
Supreme Court in Heaven, my soul was sentenced to eternal wandering, with
no comfort nor rest - just like all the settlers whom I uprooted from their
homes. But because of your prayers, I was granted a reprieve. I hope all
of you can find room in your hearts to forgive me for the terrible damage I
caused, and for leading our country astray.'
Before leaving the hospital, Sharon fired all of his cabinet members,
placing religious MKs in their place stead . He signed a Prime Ministerial order
placing Ehud Olmert under court arrest as a danger to public safety. 'His
advice was more venomous than Haman's," Sharon declared. He then went to the Kotel [Western Wall] to pray. As he walked toward the most significant religious place for Jews, the crowds shouted "Arik! Melech Yisrael [King of Israel]!"
For the next two weeks, before returning to his office, Sharon plans to journey around the country, visiting every single family he expelled from
Gush Katif and the Shomron. His goal is to personally beg for their forgiveness.
If Ariel Sharon's Kadima party wins the election, he says he will dismantle the party and unite all of the Jews in a new party, Brotherhood of the Brit [Covenant]. He further promises that within three months, Gaza City will be razed, the Arabs transferred to Egypt, and construction begun to rebuild Gush Katif.
Just before midnight, in a sensational, three-hour blitz, Israeli Air
Force bombers leveled the atomic reactor in Iran. After hearing that the mission was a success, Sharon held an emergency press conference, announcing that Israel's bombers could just as easily reach Paris and Moscow.
Following the press conference, Sharon bought an apartment in Kiryat Arba and expressed interest in joining the kollel [Torah study group] in Hebron.
03-14-2006, 15:23
Sharon Wakes From Coma (Satire) 
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By Tzvi Fishman
