Headlines and signs

[DocDiggs]

Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]? </B>


Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers </B>

[now that's taking things a bit far]!



Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]! </B>


Miners Refuse to Work
after Death </B>
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]! </B>




Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]! </B>





War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!] </B>




If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think]? </B>




Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures </B>
[who would have thunk it]! </B>




Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide </B>
[they may be on to something]! </B>



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]? </B>



Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS </U></I>the battery charge]! </B>



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]? </B>



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft </B>
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!] </B>




Kids Make Nutritious Snacks </B>
[Taste like chicken?] </B>



Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half </B>
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] </B>




Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors </B>
[Boy, are they tall!] </B>




And the winner is... </U></I></B>


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead </B>

Did I read that sign right?</B>


In an office:</B>
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... </B>
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW</B>


In a Laundromat:</B>
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT</B> GOES OUT</B>


In a London department store:</B>
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS</B>


In an office:</B>
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR</B> FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN</B>


In an office:</B>
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE</B> DRAINING BOARD</B>


Outside a secondhand shop:</B>
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR</B> WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?</B>


Notice in health food shop window:</B>
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS</B>


Spotted in a safari park:</B>
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR</B>


Seen during a conference:</B>
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE</B> 1ST FLOOR</B>


Notice in a farmer's field:</B>
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.</B>


On a repair shop door:</B>
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T</B> WORK)</B>

[Headhunter]

Those are good!

[scotto]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:




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On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)





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On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)





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On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)





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On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)





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On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)





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On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)





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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)





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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)





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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)





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On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)





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On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)





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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)





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On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)





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On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)





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On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[frosty0]

At a medical hobby shop on an Air Force Base:
Physical Therapy Upstairs.