Liberals take over care of terrorist prisoners

[cb88]

Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 22:03:18 -0400
>
>A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
>treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a
>copy of a letter they received back:
>The White House
>1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
>Washington, D.C. 20016 Dear
>Concerned Citizen:
>Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
>the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
>Bay, Cuba.
>My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
>heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
>that, thanks to the concerns of
>citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
>Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for
>Killers" program, or LARK for short.
>
>In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
>to place one
>terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been
>selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to
>your residence next Monday.
>Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
>cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
>letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
>assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that
>your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
>strongly recommended in your letter.
>Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving
>meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also,
>these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left
>hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he
>will do in your yard) - but look o! n the bright side.. no increase in
>the toilet paper bill.
>He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that
>it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help
>with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of
>body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.
>Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage:
>"Does not play well with others."
>Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
>sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
>him overcome these character flaws.
>Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
>differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test
>came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to
>offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely
>proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with
>such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that
>you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is
>also expert at making a wide
>variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may
>wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might
>offend him.
>Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
>sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
>However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons;
>have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran.
>Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and
>dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
>than 2 or 3 days dead.
>Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
>you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
>We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for
>people to interact that we will ! be sending a team of federal officials
>with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just
>to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the
>power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for
>any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that
>apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're
>doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
>Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
>member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and
>remember...we'll be watching.
>Cordially...Your Buddy,
>Don Rumsfeld
>