Non-Dangerous Jokes

[conlor]

Chain Reaction

A young logger came across an older woodsman using a single-blade saw and stopped to talk. "If you got yourself a chain saw, you could cut 3
cords of wood a day," the young logger informed.

The next day, the woodsman went to town and bought a chain saw. He went to the forest and cut 1 cord of wood. Getting up at first light the next day, he managed to cut only 1-1/2 cords. The third day produced the same results. Unimpressed, he decided to return the chain saw. When the shopkeeper asked what was wrong, the woodsman said, "I was told I could cut 3 cords of wood a day with a chain saw. I tried for 3 days, and the most l ever cut was 1-1/2 cords."

The shopkeeper was surprised. "Let me take a look at it," he
replied. When he pulled on the starter handle, the chain saw roared to life. The startled woodsman jumped back and shouted, "What's that noise?"

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Now That's Cold

It was unseasonably cold in many parts of the country this spring. In fact, it was so cold in Washington. D.C. that the politicians were walking around with their hands in their own pockets!

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Praying for Rain

One year during a lengthy dry spell, a pastor in a rural community
scheduled a special service to pray for rain. There were two elderly bachelor
brothers living on a farm nearby who did not attend church services very often, so the good pastor drove out to personally invite them to come.

On the appointed day, only one of the brothers came to church. After the
service, the pastor told him, "It's sure good to see you here. But
where is your brother?" Caught off guard, the farmer quickly answered,
"He had to stay home to close the windows!"

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What's Ailing You?

A man walked into a doctor's office. The receptionist asked him what he
had. "Shingles," he said. The receptionist took down his name,
phone number and insurance information and told him to have a seat. Fifteen
minutes later, a nurse's aide took the man to an examining room and asked what he had. "Shingles," he said. The aide took his height, weight and
medical history, then told him to wait. Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked the man what he had. "Shingles," he said. The nurse took his
blood pressure and told him to undress and wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked the man what he had.
"Shingles," the man said. "Where?" asked the doctor. "Outside in the truck," the man said. "I'm here to fix the roof."

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Quick and Easy Recipe

While having dinner at a great Mexican restaurant, a couple overheard a man at the next table tell the waitress, "My wife used to make the most
delicious pot roasts, vegetable dishes, salads and desserts. Now all she ever
makes are reservations."

Leaning over to join the conversation, the first man quickly chimed in,
"She must have given my wife her recipe."

(The last one should go in Cal's recipe thread!)

[Woodmonkey]

I especially like the one about the politicians hands!