Kids say the darndest things!

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1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and
it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into
Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or
stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get
into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son
of a ***** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little
tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to
the farmer
and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think
that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."