Why I don't eat MRE's

[cb88]

long read but wery worth it

by Frank R.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone
the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her
something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to
make, I finally settled on something she has
DEFINATELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat.
Field rations that when eaten in their entirety
contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three
packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices
and Pork Chops in one pan, sautied in shaved garlic
and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king,
noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that
looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan
that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at
450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices,
pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the
tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from
one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly
thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em
up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered
coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on
top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of
Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of
liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35
per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes
- 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles
in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've
been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the
middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph
Lauren Academy-series China (that **** is EXPENSIVE...
my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put
the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made,
of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.
She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks
INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the
meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make
it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing
or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at
the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she
tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four
glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the
dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate
mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused
herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I
heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a
resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even
makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time
with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and
retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could
hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as
she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain
bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard
the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS
more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to
sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my
chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking
back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the
door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to
hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming
down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face,
and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is
wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I
keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for
dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly
took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used
MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly
9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white,
looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years
ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and
keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't **** for 3
days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad,
her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She
also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was
PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually,
and said that that was the first time she'd ever
crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I
had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night

[conlor]

Another reason not to date military or vets! And if you feel you must date one, do it long-distance!

[scott.voigt]

bwahhahahahaha... I had to put my customer on hold... thats great

[penumbral_shadow]

~LMGDAO~ oh man that was soooo funny you know that might make the first date go a little smoother ..... then i wont actually have to start cooking 4 hours before dinner ~LMAO~ oh man thats just tooo rich ...


but what about the tobasco sauce?

[cb88]

Originally Posted by penumbral_shadow

~
but what about the tobasco sauce?

Maybe he forgot to mention they had chips and salsa before dinner.

[ghostrider]

That has got to be the best ice breaker I have ever heard. Just getting to hear your lady fart is worth ever second of the gourmet meal you "concocted". I mean slaved hours over to make.

[USMC5831]

ROFLMAO I know what I am making for dinner when I get back home.