can you relate to one or two of these

[ebbabc]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry


6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw
her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone


7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want
to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I
realize, Oh my... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez


12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

13) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

14) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown


15) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry


16) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.


--Unknown, presumed deceased

[USMC5831]

Teh first one always cracks me up. I have seen it as a bumper sticker here and there.

[conlor]

Originally Posted by USMC5831

Teh first one always cracks me up. I have seen it as a bumper sticker here and there.

That's a favorite of mine too. LMAO! They're all good. And #10 is perfect!

[filthybeast]

Very nice

[MACTANK]

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw
her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

Hey!!!! That's how my Dad taught me how to swim!!!!!!!

[Woodmonkey]

Originally Posted by MACTANK

Hey!!!! That's how my Dad taught me how to swim!!!!!!!

Hmmmmmmm...ya think he was trying to tell you something?

[MACTANK]

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.