Saving the game: six radical steps for making the NHL more popular

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NHL attendance is down. Reports from New York to Anaheim show declining numbers in fan participation. In Denver, the Colorado Avalanche did not sell out a home game for the first time since November 1995. The Blackhawks dispensed 8,000 tickets for their second home game, which put about 5,000 in the actual seats. Even Red Wings fans could not sell out Staples Center in L.A., which they've annoyingly done for seven years.
I'm told that local radio stations bid into the tens of millions for the rights to broadcast NBA games, but certain NHL franchises must PAY radio to be aired -- if they can find a willing outlet. Combine this with the fact that I still can't find OLN/Versus on the cable box, and the lack of a Wayne Lemieux to transcend the sport, and it's a bit of a depressing time for hockey enthusiasts.
I am therefore pleased to see the NHL finally taking an interest in marketing its stars. For whatever reason, the NHL has been late to the game in hyping heroes. As the hockey player is the least narcissistic of any professional athlete, perhaps it's understandable why hockey culture has been reluctant to blatantly market faces. After all, The Gospel preaches T.E.A.M. Still, in the age of content, branding and hyperbole, competition for eyeballs is fierce, and the NHL must enter the 21st Century.
On that E flat, I'm happy to provide my own six-step plan to yank the NHL off page eight and into the headlines of every tabloid, rag, fishwrap and cable news channel in North America. Let's have a go:
1. Have A.O. go T.O.
Alexander Ovechkin is a burning talent on the ice, perhaps the best we have. Initialed nicknames are key to breaking into the mainstream (think M.J., L.T. etc.) After proper training in incendiary behavior, egomania, and irrational diatribes, A.O. will proceed to destroy franchise after franchise while concurrently increasing his market value. As A.O., Ovechkin's hourly press conferences with newly-hired agent Donald Trump will crash through the content clutter. After a few years of pop culture obsession, our strategy will culminate in a mysterious A.O. overdose, allowing publicist Paris Hilton to declare the answer to life's riddle comes in 25 million sacred increments.
2. Inject the Clear and the Cream.
The Steroid Era has dominated national conversation for years, so why should hockey be immune? Think of the opportunities. Goalies, already disadvantaged by the new rules, could grow heads big enough to cover both top shelves. You think Sean Avery has an anger management issue now, just wait. We might even see Jaromir and Pavel lose the visors and start scrapping. The ensuing court cases, jailed reporters, Congressional testimony and speculation will bond hockey in perpetuity to the Big 3 sports. Imagine: we could plant selected rumors about the hallowed Mario. Frankly; nobody could be that big, and that good, naturally.
3. Allow head coaches onto the ice to dispute penalties.
Think laced-up Lasorda. In addition, rescind penalties if the pursuing coach can catch either referee in less than two minutes. You don't think Mark Crawford rink-chasing Kerry Frasier in front of 15,000 screaming fans would make the 11 p.m. news hour?
4. Gambling

Vice grip: The sordid spectacle of a gambling scandal bursting the bubble of Gretzky's legend would make for compelling TV indeed.
AP



As always, The Great One was ahead of his time. The Tocchet bookmaking scandal was the work of a master publicist. News outlets that know puck about hockey were glowingly giddy about the impending fall of Canada's golden boy. CNN, FOXNEWS, MSNBC, Today Show, Entertainment Tonight. Holy Bettman, Batman! It was WORKING!
Sadly, Wayne Gretzky did not have the character to Goodfella down on the Coyotes. Such foresight would have secured the Barbara Walters Special and consummated the media's honeymoon with hockey. Envision the achievable run in 99's ceremonial banishment from hockey and his expulsion from the Hall of Fame. After a decade of denial and bad talk radio, the Oprah breakdown and the admission mini-series would have destroyed American Idol.
Four Stanley Cups and a role model for a generation: Impressively boring.
A personalized, "I'm sorry I bet on hockey" pity puck: PRICELESS!
5. A-Rod
Teach Alex Rodriguez to skate and send him to the Islanders. Honestly, if Charles Wang has the intellect to give Rick DiPietro a 15-year, $67.5 million deal, this must already be in the works. The bloodhounds in the New York media will go wild when A-Rod fans on his first slapper. With Jason Giambi and Derek Jeter hired to call the games, Islanders TV ratings will dominate the competition.
6. Go Gangsta.
Why do Ron Artest and the Indiana Pacers get all the credit for violently assaulting fans when we were first! Hockey players and coaches have been going into the stands for decades. Tie Domi was putting drunks in headlocks when Stephen Jackson was packing a bb gun. It is crucial to laud our history and accomplishments while not allowing other sports to co-opt our initiative and invention -- especially when such behavior can lead major network broadcasts for weeks on end, exposing our brand from Sri Lanka to Brunei.
So there's the plan...I have more but you get the drift. Granted, it was nice when a guy's wife could walk up to a line of NHL superstars, moments before an All-Star Game, and instead of being tackled by security, have the players chuckle, smile and tell national TV to wait while they take pictures with your four-year-old son. (True story.) But it's a new day in the junk age.
And in the junk age, nobody has time for a niche sport.

SI.com - Writers - John Ondrasik: How to save the NHL - Monday October 23, 2006 3:18PM