Lookin' for advice. Personal issues

[JohnRN]

Hey y'all.

I've been looking at myself over the past few weeks/months and I've noticed acts, actions, thoughts and behaviours that have surprised and in many instances shock me.

In other words - I don't think I like the way I've been.

I notice that I've become a lot more short tempered. My patience wears thin very soon and I tend to take it out on people who don't really deserve what they are getting. It maynot be a scream-fest but it is certainly undeserved. I was well known in my family for my patience - one of the reasons an aunt figured I'd make a great Doctor someday when I was a kid.

I've also noticed that I've become quite apathetic over the months. I tend to procrastinate waaaaaaay too much these days.

I've become indifferent to some people and to an extent human beings in general. Indeed, people in general just irritate me no end. I've become very jaded, especially with members of my own generation. I really dislike what I feel is sheer wasteful living on their part - all they want to do is get high and behave like idiots. They seem to derive some sort of strange pleasure in making fun of others.

They tell me I'm being too serious for my own good, that I'll never get to be 21 again and that I ought to lighten up and enjoy a bit.

I'm getting tired of the constant assumption on the parts of others. Since I'm a guy, I have to behave in a certain manner. Since I'm studying to be a nurse, I must be gay. etc. etc.

Man hating females really piss me off - see above for 'stereotypes'.

Whatever the hell happened to individuality?

I've been quite rude to my parents, especially Mother. She does not deserve to be treated the way I've been treating her. I have no desire to stay in touch with my parents. Honestly, I don't feel homesick at all... or for that matter, I hardly ever think about home or my parents or my brother.

For example: My brother is getting married in August. I don't exactly feel very happy or elated about it. Infact, I feel nothing - good OR bad. I'm not bothered by it and in truth, it's more along the likes of ' yeah he's getting married *shrug* '. Isn't this strange? I mean it's supposed to be this big joyous occasion and I couldn't be bothered...

I've not bothered to stay in touch with my friends. Previously I would atleast write them once a month and call my close friends atleast once a month. I haven't written a single letter, post or email in almost a year. I wished none of them - birthdays, new years... none. Something which I was pretty regimental about before.

I've become very sloppy - both around home and about my own person. My room is almost always a mess. I don't manage to do laundry untill I literally have nothing else to wear. I used to have a lean, trim and fighting fit hard body. Now I've put on 20 lbs in less than 8 months. I keep telling myself that I ought to exercise and get back into shape but I feel neither the desire nor the motivation. I consistently cook up excuses.

I've been whining and moaning far more than I ever used to. From the state of my finances, to the weather, to my computer, about food, about school - every little thing. Seems like a constant, never ending *****-fest.

I'm getting sick and tired of facing the same old nonsense day in and day out.
I'm getting tired of working two jobs and still finding it hard to make ends meet.
I dislike asking Father for money but I'm forced to do it anyway.
I can't wait to get out of school. I'm tired of it enough... so much so that I'm almost loathing it.

I'm getting tired of people but yet I'm tired of being lonely.


If you managed to stick through my wallowing self-pity so far, thanks. I guess I don't really know what the point of this thread is.

What's wrong with me?

[Woodmonkey]

Originally Posted by John.

I'm getting tired of working two jobs and still finding it hard to make ends meet.
I dislike asking Father for money but I'm forced to do it anyway.
I can't wait to get out of school. I'm tired of it enough... so much so that I'm almost loathing it ... What's wrong with me?

DocDiggs is the one to post on this one since he is actually qualified to do so, but I will say this.

Since I've known you, you have had a grueling schedule - full time school, two jobs, a brother committed suicide and you are concerned about what is happening in the world. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that you are depressed.

[Caldric]

Welcome to adulthood.

No I am not qualified to tell you anything. However I remember when I changed from young adult into full adult. I do not know what you call it so that is the words I am using. It did not happen over night but it did not take long either, or at least I think I remember it.

When we are young adults the world is still full of ideals and great things, when we become adults there is an adjustment that needs to be made. I remember feeling similar to what you are stating. Perhaps it is a male thing also. When you finally tear the last shreds of childhood away and take a new look at the world and realize things are different.

No you will not be 21 again, but you will be 22 and 25 and 30 and 35... The milestones of life.

But what I mean about adulthood and perhaps I am strange is that there came a time when what my brother was up to was no longer really important. Or what people were doing over the weekend really did not concern me anymore. Perhaps part of growing is becoming a bit more selfish, or perhaps that also is a bad word. Perhaps intrinsic is the word, you can not do everything and you can not make everyone happy so you have to find that balance in between somewhere, some never do.

Although unless your mother has done something greviously wrong to you she does not deserve being treated rudely, that will **** well haunt you later brother. But I think it is more frustration of growing up then honest dislike. Generally I think it is more Father/Son then Mother/Son.

Do not think I am calling you a child either I am not but I guess there are phases of adulthood also. I will let you know in another 30 years. According to the rumors I should be reverting back anytime now wishing for the years of 18 to 25 and buying sports cars.

[Woodmonkey]

John, you are young and have had a lot of trauma in your life. I just picked this up from your post in the London thread.

I took one look at the news reports and had instant flashbacks.

The earth shaking explosions. The glass flying everywhere. The deafening roar. The crumbling masonry. The panicked screams of a terror stricken thousand. The heat from the fires. The choking smoke. A sky darkened with soot and haze. The screams of the wounded. The moans of the dying....

I was instantly transported back to Bombay in March, 1993.

*shudder*

I think I can imagine what it must have been like. When one of the bombs took out a gas station, you could feel the heat wave balst 10 blocks away. Felt like a fire storm had momentarily touched earth...

You are studying to be a nurse and know about stress, exhaustion, trauma, PTSD. I do know that tramatic events of the past can be brought back by another tramatic event.

[Caldric]

Oh and of course depression hits us all. Unfortunately and many times it does not last a weekend but can last much longer. I think Katie already mentioned that though.

[BrianK]

John you are experiencing life. Previously running mentally & physically at 90 miles an hour and coasting now just doesn't feel right. Heed your mind, back off and let yourself re-cooperate. Let things go or at least to the point that you are able to.

The older a person gets the more a person tends to be self critical.That in & of itself can be depressing. As you are discovering what once was a normal pattern in your life circumstances are changing that prior comfort zone.

Family ties is an area that is really difficult to get a handle on. Your parents raised you to be self thinking and a honest productive member of society. Now that you are in the middle of making their hopes come true the separation and growth you have gained is natural. The rudeness you are showing your mother is another issue altogether. That you will have to work on. You have it within you to figure out the why of that. One thing for sure mothers are very forgiving people. Once you figure it out an honest, sincere apology will make you both happy.

Doc could probably go much futher into this and be better at helping you. What I do know from your posting is that you do care about people and things far more than most your age. Your asking here for some input shows that you care enough to trust others. That would scare most your age.

[conlor]

Oops.