US annexes Britain

[JohnRN]

Geez Louise you guys.

All ya had to do was dig right back.

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.


DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any **** way we wish so stop *****ing about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting). Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

Y'all honestly thought I was advocating revoking US independence? I been here near two years. I figured y'all would've caught the clown in me by now.

It's satire ladies and gentlemen - just as the example I posted above and the thread I posted before.

Maybe it's time I took a long trip offa this here boards. My jokesa re becoming a threat to my own credibility.

[Betty Boop]

John., since 1776 when we declared our independence from the crown, 1,005,941 American patriots have lost their lives in all wars protecting and preserving our way of life in the great democratic experiment known as the United States. Sometimes those individuals agreed with the war they were fighting and sometimes they didn't but they all shared the common thread of making the ultimate sacrifice so that we as Americans would forever be a free people. One million American lives is hardly something we can "joke" about or make light of.

I truly don't know how many Indians have lost their lives in the time leading up to your Independence Day (August 15, 1947) nor since in subsequent battles to establish and preserve it as a free state, but I am sure that you would feel just as deeply if someone "joked" about the crown reclaiming soverignty over your nation.

[Snowden]

John, you can't leave until your grandma dies. I thoroughly enjoy my favorite clown grandson - can't live without you. Most people enjoy satire. Maybe you should have started with this one; this is the type of satire Americans can enjoy. Makes fun of someone else.

[odannyboy]

Both funny threads. I opened the other one up so it does not sink to the bottom so soon.

[SherryGrace]

Originally Posted by CalDreaming02

John., since 1776 when we declared our independence from the crown, 1,005,941 American patriots have lost their lives in all wars protecting and preserving our way of life in the great democratic experiment known as the United States. Sometimes those individuals agreed with the war they were fighting and sometimes they didn't but they all shared the common thread of making the ultimate sacrifice so that we as Americans would forever be a free people. One million American lives is hardly something we can "joke" about or make light of.

I truly don't know how many Indians have lost their lives in the time leading up to your Independence Day (August 15, 1947) nor since in subsequent battles to establish and preserve it as a free state, but I am sure that you would feel just as deeply if someone "joked" about the crown reclaiming soverignty over your nation.

I re-read the piece above...I can't see anywhere that it joked about one million American lives being lost to protect our freedom. In fact, I didn't see anything about one million, or American lives, or sacrifices...

[Woodmonkey]

Originally Posted by John.

Maybe it's time I took a long trip offa this here boards. My jokesa re becoming a threat to my own credibility.

Please rethink that, John. We would hate to lose you and your input in here. Besides, I would miss my son.

Mom

[SherryGrace]

I think if John wants to leave he should go...but to go because people don't "get" your satirical piece...that's just plain silly.

You can't please all the people all the time, John. I'm sure you didn't intend to offend anyone. Just apologize for the unintentional offense and post on...or don't and post on anyway.

It'll be okay.