What would you do/How would you handle this?

[Betty Boop]

Daughter #2 came home from school today and told me about an incident on campus. She asked me whether she should say something or not. What do you think?

Since elementary school, this particular group of 14-year-olds have been very inappropritae. I don't know if there was something in the water all us moms drank the year we were all pregnant with these girls but I have never seen any group of girls that were either so openly precocious or meanspirited. I have to preface this story that way.

Several of the girls in this group has been playing a game we used to call "Rape-O" for quite some time - leading a guy on and then stopping him cold. My daughter has come home from the local water park on several occasions and told me about this young gal when at 11 and 12 would walk up to much older teens, not knowing them, and do a come on and the guys being normal guys drooled just like Pavlov's dogs, thinking they just might get a bite to eat. The one girl, of course, would then at the last minute turn it around after asking to sit in their laps and revealng her true age (and the guys would realize "quail bait").

Last year, this girl encouraged a group of girls to accuse a young boy of sexual harrassment and he was expelled from the District - he was a 7th grader. My daughter at that time was asked to submit a supporting statement for expulsion by the school site and my husband and I refused to go along with this because we had seen how these young girls had conducted themselves and why this kid might have read the wrong messages from the group.

The girls are now all freshmen in high school. Yesterday one of their male classmates, a supposed friend to all the girls, was dared by the one girl to "pants" her. It was a lunch-time dare and then double-dare as she wagged her hiney in his face. It's the sort of stupid things kids still do. The come on was there and finally after being teased/taunted/tempted many, many times at lunch he did what he shouldn't do - he pants the girl.

Daughters #1 and #2 have both gotten the lecture from Rick and myself on numerous occasions about being personally responsible in their conduct with boys. Whereas young girls of my generation knew you did not play sexual mind games with young boys/men and expect not to find yourself in a compromised position, girls of this generation, I have found, have this overwhelming attitude that it is okay to do anything with a guy and then if they (the girl) decides to back out that they have the trump cards of sexual harrassment at best and rape at worst to fight with - and win. You guessed it - the girl is now claiming sexual harrassment. Of course, her parents have never acknowledged that their daughter has been PT-ing all over the place for several years now.

Daughter #2 came to me today and wanted my advice. Her feeling is that one boy got kicked out of school last year unfairly because of this type of action by the same girl and she doesn't want to be a party to potentially destroying another young man's life. Her view is that if the other girl is allowed to call this trump and the boy gets kicked out of school and the girl suffers no repercussions for her actions, once again it has been reinforced that "Rape-O" is a legitimate and fun game to play. As my daughter said, "_______ is going to end up getting raped and when it happens it will be no one's fault but her own." My daughter has decided finally, based on this incident, to break off this social/peer grouping as she now realizes what the consequences can be - even if it is only by association.

Rick (Bun_Bun) and I are of differing views on how to handle this. I would like to read your suggestions as to what you think my 14-year-old daughter should or should not do in this instance.

[JohnRN]

*Clears his throat*

One of the very first introductory lectures we all got as freshmen in college was about life in America and about how the popular misconception is that American girls are "easy". We were warned, ALL of us, by the campus police that they WILL prosecute any sexual assault charges very seriously. And when I read stories that one in four women are raped atleast once their lifetime and this incidence is higher in college, and plus a fiasco involving a college football player; I decided two things :

1. I volunteered for the Anti Rape Task Force. Two nights a week, I walk single men and women to their cars, parking lots, apartments, another class etc.
2. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do something monumentaly and colossaly stupid when I went out clubbing. (The common joke is : if a woman looks 16 and says she's 18, she's probably 12.)

That said Cal, your daughter has a very valid point : If something does happen to this girl in the future, she will have no one to blame but herself. What I find shocking, is the apparent lack of empathy they have for screwing that poor kids life. Now whereever he gets sent, he's going to have this history and rap sheet hanging over his head. And all this **** in 7th grade?!

Is your daughter simply suggesting that she won't associate with these girls anymore?

Cal, (and others), I honestly think you ought to watch the film "thirteen".

[The_Federalist]

Yesterday one of their male classmates, a supposed friend to all the girls, was dared by the one girl to "pants" her. It was a lunch-time dare and then double-dare as she wagged her hiney in his face.

Sounds like this entire group of girls needs to be taken aside and seriously counseled (and likely punished) about the inappropriate nature of their behavior.

This only cements in my mind the attitude of most high school students that they are going to class everyday to socialize, not learn. I would seriously regulate the contact your daughter has with this group, as it sounds like some girls in that "group" will find themselves pregnant before they are 16.

Oh god help me that I don't have any daughters...

[se0sea]

I think your daughter is smart enough to now know what could happen.If it takes losing friends over,then it is worth it because she doesnt need to end up on the wrong end.It only takes one time to PT the wrong boy,and the girl will end up being raped or wind up missing.As Federalist said,they should all be counceled.What happens when an innocent boy that has been expelled suddenly wants revenge? I`m glad my kid dont play like that or she will be severly punished.

[StrBrite]

your daughter does sound like she has a good head on her shoulders.
I would suggest that she find a new group of friends.

SeOsea is right, someday the wrong boy will be teased and will hurt the teaser including, in alot of cases a friend that maybe with her. I would fear that your daughter could be in danger if a boy decides to take revenge and she happens to be there.

This sounds unlikely to most but then look at how many young adults have gunned down and hurt people they are angry with as well as others who just happen to be the friends.

[cb88]

Cal...

Unfortunately, I'm right there with you on this.

Your daughter is right to want to stand up for this young kid and make sure he isn't the victim of these girls that like to play their cards. These girls are likely to be the same women that grow up and scream sexual harrassment after encouraging advances so they can live off law suits. They need to be stopped NOW. I am so sick and tired of the behavior from young teen girls and even grown woman that encourage and encourage and tease and then cry when this kind of Sh*T goes on.

I feel like I'm constantly lecturing my daughters on appropriate behavior. WHEN did it become ok for a girl to walk up to a guy and go "you're hot!!!!" with all enthusiasm like she'd like to "do him"???? My daughter says I'm acient and old fashioned, but ummm, hellooooooooooo....why do you want a guy to think you're easy????? It's all about self respect!!!! It takes me a long time and some trust building before I'll even tell a guy I'm "sweet on" that I think he's a "hottie" and it's sure done in a different tone/manner...and always after mutual attraction has been established.

Cal, it's hard...I can instill all I want for values in my teens, but if their friends' parents don't, we're fighting a losing battle.

Anyhow, rant off....back to your daughter, she should absolutely be encouraged to stand up for this boy and the girl should be equally punished for her inappropriate sexual behavior. I'm sorry, but "teasing" a guy or taunting him into that kind of behavior is akin to sexual harrassment in my book. WHY is it that only women/females can be victims of sexual harrassment???? BS

I have spent the last 12 years specializing in professional liability insurance, Directors & Officers insurance and Employment Practices Liability (sexual harrassment/discrimination insurance) I have seen so many BOGUS cases go through and be settled because it's cheaper to settle than to fight them. And we are setting the WRONG precident in our society.

I love how feminist want equal rights and claim women are strong and not victims, but then they turn around and play that weak victim card when it suits their purposes.

[AngelWithHorns]

Cal you have a very wise daughter. With the right support group and enough encouragement from you, she can help expose these girls and keep this from happening to another boy that does not deserve to be treated that way.

This young girl will find herself in a world of trouble one day as a result of her actions and she will suffer the consequenses of those. I don't go with the thought that if she brings it upon herself and is raped that she deserved it, I find that totally wrong and innappropriate to even consider. It would be as to say that since she showed no self control, that it's alright for the other party to show the same lack in judgement and no self restraint.

I do wish you and your daughter the best as well as the boys. Maybe you could get together with some of the school principles and counselers and come up with a time to meet with all the students in the school to make them aware that this is happening and that it is innappropriate behavior and will not be tolerated by either party involved. Maybe even help the students understand what they should do if approached with a situation like this inside and outside of school. Good luck, as a parent you have your plate full and then some.